Her real home.

If you’ve read any of my previous blog posts or follow me on Instagram then you know about my battle with ptsd, depression and anxieties. Such a dark time with night terrors, flashbacks, depression that left me in bed most days unable to care for myself or my family, suicidal ideations, weight loss and a pillow filled with tears. Yet still, I cannot deny that it has also brought so much good.

During the manic episode my love for nature was remembered. My real home here on earth. Where I lose my fears, anxieties, sadness, grief and instead I see how small my problems are and how big God is. How beautiful and intentional he created nature to be for us. How incredibly restorative it is to pause on the responsibilities of this life and lose yourself in his creation.

To reacquaint yourself with the unpaved paths, the scent of floral trees picked up by the air that surrounds your body and fills your breath. To hear their whisper as they brush against each other to welcome you home. Where conversation has depth but words are never spoken. Where you’re dreaming vividly, with your eyes open. To place your hand in a stream with a current and feel it dance and curl between your fingers.

I am homesick when I am away, can you understand why?

I know what it means to be so devoid of life that you beg and plead with God to take it. I don’t have instructions for a way out, everyone’s journey is different. Though two journeys can have commonalities they can never be the same. Faithfully love those with souls that are at war and you will discover that it is everyone you can love.

My doctor thought I had cancer.

January 2016 I went to my doctor for a routine wellness exam. During the visit my doctor found some abnormalities and wanted to take biopsies to see if I had cancer. The fear and terror is not something I can explain, it has to be felt. I cried when I got back to my car I don’t know how I made it home. That night I sobbed while my husband held me. 

What my doctor didn’t know was that I had been struggling with realizing my own mortality and had become an undiagnosed hypochondriac. I was also battling re-experiencing PTSD, depression and anxieties.  

I don’t have cancer. There’s nothing like a life threatening diagnosis that will make you think about your life and how you’re living it. This is when minimalism started to really introduce itself in helping me with my mental health, stress and refocusing on what really matters to me. 

We live in America. I was always trying to get somewhere FAST, comparing myself to others, consuming more and more junk putting us further into debt, indulging in unhealthy habits and at the end of the day still unhappy. 

There has been so much pain and suffering this past year. I have so much repairing to do in my relationship with God, my marriage, parenting and friendships. I no longer desire stuff that only stresses me out and pulls me further from my purpose and values. 

When we gave up 80% of our junk we didn’t focus on what we were losing but what we were gaining. I’m not saying minimalism is the answer for everyone but maybe with an open mind it is. 



Time for a change.

“Mama’s home!!” They run to me with big smiles almost tackling me to the floor as they jump into my arms. All the stress from work is gone and replaced with love and joy. I savor this because I know one day they will be too big and cool to greet mom this way. My husband turns the corner to welcome me home with a kiss and a hug. We walk together to the kitchen while he chats and I look back behind me at the living room and the tornado state it’s in. I try to focus on what he’s telling me but I can’t. Im panicking trying to remember a key word to get myself out of appearing unloving or uninterested.  

Instead I look at the sink. It’s filled. With dirty dishes. I have to wash them first because I need some of them to cook. I also forgot to thaw out the meat and I will end up cooking the meat half-frozen half thawed. I start to gather all the ingredients I will need for dinner and see I forgot to put the laundry from the washer in the dryer. There’s also several loads that need to be done, yesterday. 

We finish dinner and start our evening routine. I bathe the boys and husband washes the dishes. I make it upstairs before the boys to run the bath water. Dirty clothes everywhere. Bathe the boys and there are no clean towels. Grab a towel from our room and come back upset by our unmade bed and clothes all over the floor. Which ones are clean? Which ones are dirty? 

Boys are in their pjs and in bed. We say our prayers give kisses and hugs I walk out close the door and let out a loud sigh. Then argue with myself about how much there is to do but the day was long so I deserve to relax right? I relax because there’s always tomorrow. Can you guess how long I’ve been having that argument? Months. 

This is how we spent many evenings. There’s so much left out though like how most days I got frustrated with the boys or my husband and I argued about “the little things”. 

Something has to change. I finally realized that what I valued in my life weren’t things at all. I value my faith and loving others, my husband and our marriage, my boys and raising them to be loving human beings that would give back to the world in a positive way, my health so I could live a long life and enjoy my family and lastly nature, connecting with the beauty outside that God created for us to enjoy. This does not mean that I am giving my values 100%, no there’s always work to be done. But, I can tell you we do not spend our nights like the above anymore. 

Are you stressed? Is there not enough time in a day? Are you always being pulled in so many directions? Is your health suffering? Are you anxious or depressed? 

Then I ask what are the things you value? And are you nourishing those values? Maybe it’s time for a change. 

Why family night is important?

Since our newly wed days Austin and I have had family night once a week.  Family time was so foreign to me and after our pre-marriage counselors recommended it I was intrigued. Leaving the single/dating lifestyle it was challenging to be consistent. We didn’t have kids and when our friends made plans that happened to fall on our family night we would choose to join our friends.

Figuring out a family night plan required lots of trial and error. We have a no phone rule, no calls, no texts, no phones-okay except for picture taking. Early on we ran into schedule conflicts bible studies, friends birthday dinners, etc. If we have another free night during the week we can switch our family night to we do. BUT if we have a busy week and don’t have a free night our family night takes precedence. Unsaid truth your family is the most important you’re the only one that’s going to make it a daily priority. 

We embrace this welcome it and respect it. We tell the boys often “I love being a Hahn, being a Hahn is so fun, isn’t it good to be a Hahn.” They cheerfully agree. 

Austin and I are a team in building a godly, joyful, loving home for ourselves and our boys. We are responsible for raising them to obey us and one day obey God. We are responsible for training them to be loving, responsible, respectful human beings. One day our boys are going to be men and hopefully have family’s of their own, it is our job to prepare them. 

I also find when I feel disconnected with one of my boys this has become a great time to reconnect. I felt that way last week with my youngest. We dined at a local chain restaurant using one of our Christmas gift cards and he sat in my lap the entire night. I have felt closer to him since and to think it only took him sitting on my lap and having my full attention. 

Here are some of our favorite family night activities:

1). Devotionals, we don’t do this every family night. We also use this time to talk about any issues we see them having such as not sharing, hitting, whining, etc. 

2). Play games. 

3). Family hike. 

4). Play with their favorite toys. 

5). Go to the library. 

6). Movie. 

7). Fro-yo. 

8). Bake. 

9). Fly kites. 

10). Kick a soccer ball around at a local park. 

11). Wash cars. 

12). Go to the pool. 

13). Go to an outdoor movie night. 

14). Make pizzas. 

15). Water balloon fight. 

Multiple studies reveal that kids develop behavioral and emotional problems when there is a lack of quality time with the parents.   That’s enough to motivate me. Sure it’s easy to joke about how our parenting is going to one day lead our kids into therapy, but no one truly wants that. My kids may end up in therapy one day but I’m going to try hard to keep that from happening. Our boys crave our attention and when we give it to them they feel special and find that they are respected and feel self-worth. 

Also on family nights I don’t cook! Yas! Wasn’t my idea that was all the hubby. 

My husband, proof that God answers prayers.

I still remember when I used to pray for you before we met. For you to love God, be handsome, strong, wise, careful with money, hard working, humble, kind, funny, considerate, honorable, forgiving, disciplined, patient and unconditionally loving. I thought it impossible for there to be such a man…not for God. 
God has given us two wonderful gifts in our boys whom you have loved like every child deserves. You teach, instruct, guide, discipline, encourage, love, apologize, joke, inspire and comfort our sweet, sweet boys. Unfortunately they will see incorrect examples and will one day fully understand how amazing their father is. Prayerfully they will see your example and desire to be just like you in the same way you have with your father. 

The memory I hold closest to my heart with you this past year is when you told me days later that you had woken up one morning and prayed for God to take away my depression and anxieties and give it to you. That week had been particularly dark with thoughts of suicide and so many tears. I was paralyzed, non-functioning and unstable you had become my caregiver. I was angry at first because you’re a faithful man and I knew God would answer. Why would you ask for this? I would never wish it on anyone and the man I loved most especially. But after realizing how God had answered and how I spent a full day without depression and anxiety and you had, I was shocked and in awe and relieved honestly I was suffocating. I hated that it had cost you. I imagine God was amazed by your prayer and granted it knowing it would only help you understand and for certain bring us closer.

Through hardship and loss you have always been by my side. I know it has not been easy for you as you’ve held my hands up and sacrificed yourself endlessly. I will never forget this past year. Though not anymore because of the pain and suffering, but I will remember it now as the year my husbands love led me out of the wilderness and back to my first love. Austin you have helped me find my worth and value in God again. 

You are a light in my life I will never deserve. Rather than spending time trying to understand why me? I will spend it loving you passionately. My husband, I will love you always. I will be faithful and loyal to you all the days I have here on earth. I praise and celebrate the day you were born! Happy Birthday, I love you.